A Mother's Heart: Diary
by FierySable
Summary: This is a sequel to a fic I did way, way earlier called Twilight Memories. It's about acceptance, denial, love, of course, and duty. Some 1+R. Kinda a mother's day tribute to say how special they are. ^^


AN: This is a sequel to a fic I did about...*pause* a year ago. *sweatdrop* maybe a little more than that. If you want to read the prequel, it's called "Twilight Reminiscence" kinda an angsty/romance-y 1xR…you don't have to read it, but I'd suggest you do; it might make a little more sense.

A Mother's Heart: Diary

You would expect the world to be gray on a day like this.

That was Selena Yuy Whitefield's thoughts as she stared sightlessly over the carpet of bright gold splashed green, the tender shoots of spring grasses and tiny white flowers danced playfully in the wind. The sky was a vibrant hue of violet-blue, untainted by pollution, with one or two clouds floating idly by like huge, pale pink puffs of cotton candy. It was beautiful…serene… 

But it should have gray; like the two tombstones in front of her.

Slowly, uncertainly, she knelt between them, one trembling hand reaching out to touch the warm, newly turned earth of the newer grave, the other pressing the green lawn of the much older one. 

"Mom…" She whispered painfully, "Dad…"

__

"Selena Peacecraft Yuy," Selena winced as her father's quiet, ominous voice filled the hallway, and smoothing her face into a study of ingenuity, she turned around, smiling with calm tranquility.

"Yes father?" She was unmoved by the hereditary death-glare that was aimed at her, having experienced it many times before and used it a few times herself. Instead she tipped her head to one side, looking at him patiently as she had seen her mother do and as she expected, the heat went out of his gaze, to be replaced with barely hidden vexation.

"Where are you going?"

Studying the chandelier contemplatively, Selena answered innocently, "Out with one of Councilman Whitefield's son to…ah…discuss our political action project." One arched brow told her that her father wasn't buying it. The way he Hn'ed told her that she wasn't going. Fortunately for her, she had stubbornness in full amounts from both parents and she merely folded her arms, raising her chin slightly. 

Simply, laconically, he said, "No."

Selena smiled sweetly in response, and stood up on tiptoe to kiss Heero's cheek, surreptitiously flicking a bit of dust from his collar. "Yes."

"Iie."

"Hai."

"Selena…" He took a deep breath but before he could say more, a well-manicured hand reached around to clasp lightly over his mouth and from behind her husband, Relena winked at her daughter, sparkling azure eyes bright with amusement.

"Have fun dear. Tell John I said hi."

Selena grinned back, and darted for the door just as she heard her father grumble in annoyance at Relena, "Omae wa kuruso…" 

Her mother, undeterred, merely laughed a rich chuckle as she replied, "Hush." Her last glimpse of her parents as she ran out the door was of Relena smiling lovingly up at a scowling Heero; a finger laid firmly over the former Perfect Soldier's lips to still his complaints.

A quavering smile touched her own mouth as Selena remembered how often her mother seemed to be able to do that, stop her father with a single word or gesture as no one else had been able to do. It had always been so easy to tell that Relena Yuy loved her husband to distraction. It had been a well-known fact and showed in everything that she had done, from sending him white roses to the Preventer's office on their anniversary to the little 'love note' post-its that she plastered liberally to the refrigerator door. Relena had been that kind of person; her love was expressive and in that openness, unconditional.

Her father…he was a little harder to fathom and sometimes had seemed to be completely unchanged by both family and peace. He had smiled rarely and from time to time, had seemed more annoyed than anything by Relena's steadfast devotion. However his gruff exterior only masked the emotion he felt because if he had a fault it was this: after so long, it was still difficult for him to express himself in words. 

So he had found other, little ways to show her how he felt instead. Nothing like whispering her sweet nonsense in the moonlight like Duo Maxwell often did to Hilde (to the embarrassment of the Maxwell brood) or constantly telling her outright that he loved her. But there was an absent way in which he had twined his fingers through hers when he thought that no one was looking, a certain softness in his eyes reserved only for his wife. To those that knew him well, they could see that Heero Yuy, skilled Preventer and former Gundam pilot, had been well and truly caught, hook, line, and sinker.

Her parents had loved each other so much. But why had lasted such a short time…?

__

Silver gold ornaments adorned the Christmas tree, setting the thin hollow pine needles afire with an alabaster sheen and Relena clapped her hands, laughing as her son-in-law, John Whitefield, struggled futilely to right the angel on top of the tree, muttering dire epithets to himself as he did so. 

"Won't stay still!" He commented dryly to the two women below and Relena and Selena merely grinned up at him as he perched unsteadily on the ladder, determined to prove his masculinity by overcoming this prickly obstacle. Of course, he refused all offers of assistance from the 'womenfolk'. After all, he was Man.

Hear him roar.

Selena glanced around the room, stifling a smile as she imagined her father's reaction when he returned from the diplomatic mission on L1 and found his normally neat and dignified living room showered with a carpet of confetti pieces and long, spooling ribbons. Streamers of silver were pinned to the terraces, hanging playfully from the ceiling and doorways and in a corner, a radio was singing to the cheerful tune of "Underneath the Mistletoe". 

Everything was perfect…except for the stubborn angel, that is. But Selena had no doubt that against John's valiant efforts, the little winged woman would soon resign herself to her fate and sit obediently on its chosen place. Now how long it would take…

Smirking teasingly up at him, she demanded, "Are you finished yet?"

"Quiet, you," John replied loftily…or as loftily as he could, clinging to the ladder for dear life, "Man will triumph–"

"Really?," Selena asked dryly, "Then why are you falling?" She reached over, steadying the ladder to keep her husband from tumbling ignominiously to the ground. "Hurry up, slowpoke!"

"Dishonorable woman…" He grumbled back, a mildly indignant expression stealing over his fair features and Selena gave him an unladylike snort.

"Don't start with acting like Uncle Fei," She warned, "Or you'll sleep on the sofa!" But he wasn't paying any attention to her, having already settled the last ornament into place and jumped down lithely to land beside her. 

His arms stole around her shoulders and he smiled wickedly down at her as he murmured, "You wouldn't do that, I know you too well. You don't like sleeping alone." Then he looked at her with his amazing amber puppy eyes, a woebegone expression on his face and she laughed back at him, swatting him over the head.

"Baka!" She scolded cheerfully but the musical chime of the doorbell prevented the good-natured bickering from going any further. Bestowing a small kiss on John's nose, she half-ran to the door as the bell rung again, a little more impatiently. Eager to see her father's face, for she had no doubt who it was, she threw the door open with a dramatic gesture, arms outstretched and eyes alight with mischief. 

"Surprise, Da—!" Her voice was immediately choked. That was not_ 'Dad'. Instead, two somberly dressed men stood in front of her, Preventors logo stitched into their stark black dress uniforms, their eyebrows quirked slightly at the unorthodox greeting. A blush heated her cheeks into a rosy flush and Selena dipped her head, half in embarrassment, half to mask her confusion. The Yuy residence wasn't expecting any other visitors. "Oh, I do beg your pardon."_

"That's fine, ma'am." They glanced steadily at the floor, their eyes flickering around and over her, unwilling to meet her gaze as one of them continued reluctantly, "Is Mrs. Yuy at home?"

"I am Mrs. Yuy." Relena appeared in back of her daughter, a small crystal bowl of candy canes cradled in her hands. With an impish half-smile that seemed to warm the atmosphere around her, she nodded gracefully, holding out her offering, "Merry Christmas, gentlemen. Won't you take one?"

They didn't return the smile. 

Instead, they shook their heads slowly and almost as if they had practiced this a thousand times, (and maybe they had) with military precision one of them stepped forward, a small envelope held in his gloved hand and he bowed his head formally. 

"Mrs. Relena Peacecraft Yuy, it is my duty to inform you that Type Titus Carrier 083, Intergalactic shuttle class, carrying Diplomatic Preventer Heero Yuy, disappeared from radar today at fourteen hundred hours, upon reentry into the Earth's atmosphere…"

The bowl trembled, then slipped from fingers suddenly gone numb, shattering against the cold marble floor and an anguished cry of denial split the air, drowning out anything else he had to say.

A drop of moisture slid across Selena's splayed fingers and with a start, she realized that the colors in front of her were swimming, refracted and blurred by the tears that were streaming down her cheeks. Biting her trembling lip between her teeth, she hurriedly wiped at her eyes but more tears that spilled unbidden from her shuttered lids; she seemed not to be able to stop weeping.

For a second, she wished that she had accepted John's offer to accompany her to the gravesites, but she had wanted to mourn alone as she had done these last few months. She couldn't seem to let go…or rather, the memories seemed not to want to let _her_ go. 

__

Why? 

Why did she have to lose them both, her mother only six scant years after her father? Why did God have to be so cruel as to take them away from her?

"Doushite?" A sob tore at her throat and she pressed they heel of her palms against her eyelids, "_Why?_"

"Because, it was time." 

She whirled around immediately, fighting to take back control of her emotions as she saw four figures standing slightly behind her. They had come up so quietly that she had not even heard the sound of their feet against the grass.

"Uncle Maxwell?" She whispered hoarsely, "Aunt Hilde, Uncle Quatre, Aunt Dorothy…" Her gaze swept over the small group of her parents' closest friends, mind unable to grasp the fact that they were actually _here_, come from all corners of the colonies. Why were they here? They had not been present at the funeral…

Duo smiled soberly, hunkering down beside her as he handed her a handkerchief. "Nice to see you again, Hime. Too bad it had to be under these circumstance." His eyes strayed towards the two markers, lingering over the one inscribed with Relena's name. Then, almost reluctantly, he reached a hand from his deep pockets, pressing it into the thick, rich loam of the earth, the dirt crumbling beneath his callused fingertips. 

Gruffly, affectionately, he greeted, "'Jousan. Been a long time, little lady. Make sure you keep your baka husband in line until I get there, and keep the man laughing once in a while. Fool boy doesn't know when to relax. Never did." His mouth twitched as if he didn't know what else to say and he flicked his braid impatiently over his shoulder. Gently, Hilde placed her slender hand over his, stilling Duo's restless movements with a single touch. 

"Rest well, 'Lena…you need it, I expect. We had some wild times, didn't we?" Her full lips curved into a semblance of a grin as she added, "Traipsing through Libra, almost getting our asses blown to bits by our future husbands, overthrowing a few corrupt governments…wild times, eh Rel? But…uh…it's been fun." She cleared her throat noisily, "Don't forget how to smile, babe." 

Her fingers curled around her husband's, and with a tug, Hilde pulled him to his feet, her other arm going around his waist to support him. Duo's head dropped on her shoulder and he sighed, a shuddering sound, before he glanced away as if unable to bear the sight of the graves anymore. Without a word to anyone else, the Maxwell couple nodded briefly, but compassionately, in Selena's direction. Then, wrapped in each other's arms, they retraced their steps, heads bent together.

Dorothy also knelt, carefully placing an armful of Belladona lilies on each mound, her whispered words unheard above the slight keen of the wind. That done, she laid her gloved hands across her lap, and sighed wearily, as if a great burden had been placed on her shoulders and glanced towards Selena. What she saw had her lips thinning anxiously and she darted a quick, flickering glance towards Quatre. He nodded in understanding, his fingers reaching down to brush her shoulder once (in support?) before he turned, following his two friends done the slope of the hill. 

"We should talk, Goddaughter, " Dorothy replied to the unspoken question in Selena's eyes. "Of your mother." 

Selena unconsciously shook her head, her fingers curled into her lap. "It…it's too soon, Aunt Dottie." She said, slipping back into her childhood affectation, "It's only been—"

"Nonsense." Dorothy dismissed ruthlessly, her eyes hard, "Show your character as the daughter of two very remarkable people and hold your head high. Don't dishonor their memory with your continued grief."

"Wha—?!"

"Quiet, catling," Dorothy irritated snap stilled Selena's outraged protest, "and listen!"

When she was assured that Selena would say no more, she jerked her head stiffly, her approval showing in the barest thawing of her cold demeanor. "Your mother…we all understood."

"All? Understood?" Confusion knitted together Selena's brow, "Understood what?"

"Understood this." Her elegant fingers lifted slightly to gesture at the newly laid grave, a brief expression of sadness crossing her patrician's features "We all did, the pilots and I; we who knew her best."

"I don't understand," Selena whispered, "I would understand that Uncle Quatre knew…he's an empath. But you…" 

Dorothy shook her head, then abruptly changed tactics. "Before your mother went up to the mountains, there was already a slight change in Mrs. Relena, barely discernable, but still there." Her eyes took on a faraway cast as if she was looking back on a scene, and her gaze was not towards Selena, but towards the distant Himalayan Mountains. Vaguely, she continued, "Mrs. Relena looked as one does when they will not wait any longer for the inevitable, opening her arms to accept her fate, no matter the consequences. It was the look of a woman just awakened from a dream and not knowing quite _why_ she had come back to this reality. Oh yes, she still appeared the same, but there was something missing. Here," she laid a finger across her eyes, "and here." Her finger drifted down, lowering to the valley between her breasts. "There was no fire in her eyes or her heart; it seemed like she was only a walking wraith."

Dorothy brought her eyes down again, her voice lowering as well, "So we all knew…and we all said our good-byes before she left. That is why you saw only we four instead of the others as well. Their good-byes have been said, their duty done."

"Then why are you here?" Selena cried, "If you knew why didn't you tell anyone…tell _me_? I could've—"  
"Done what?" Dorothy countered, "Begged her to stay? Urged her to keep living in what became a prison to her? You might well have been able to do so catling; you have the same ability that your mother did, to make people turn and listen, and not only listen but _heed_ your words as well! But this was a life that she had lived fully and she was ready to move on. She _deserved_ the rest she never had for forty-five years!" Selena turned her head away, but Dorothy grabbed her chin, mercilessly forcing her gaze back as ruthlessly as she would have waged a battle. "You know what I say is true. Hate me if you will, but acknowledge that fact!"

"Stop it!" Selena yanked away, falling away from the other woman. Tears were streaming down her cheeks again but this time more from anger than unhappiness. She clamped her hands against her ears to keep the words from penetrating, then screamed, "Leave me alone! I'm grieving, can't you see that? _My mother just died!_"

There was a moment of silence, atmosphere crackling with charged electricity then Dorothy stood up, gown falling gracefully against her lithe body. "Your mother," Dorothy's voice was low and taut, "was a strong woman. She believed that her daughter was strong as well; strong enough to guide the ESUN in her stead. I see no evidence of this fact. What I see is a sniveling, whining, _child_ that will not accept the fact that her _mother_…_is_…_dead_ and _has_ _been_ dead!" Her turbid eyes snapped furiously once, as cold as diamond as she continued cruelly, " Your duties lie with the people, not with your infantile memories of bygone days. You are the leader of the ESUN, Selena _Peacecraft_ Yuy Whitefield, begin to act like it!"

She whipped around, walking away in long, angry strides and her sun-kissed hair billowed wildly about her. Selena closed her eyes, body stiff with resentment and bitterness until she could no longer hear her godmother's footsteps. She was angry with the woman for depicting her like a spoiled brat, angry with her for interfering. But there was a little part of her that was angry with herself too because what Dorothy had said was just a little too accurate. 

__

But I have that right. Selena thought fiercely_, she was _my_ mother._

She was getting to her feet when she noticed a thick, leather-bound book lying on the ground beside her. 

A diary.

***

Dorothy's steps were fast as she walked quickly away, almost, but not quite running. Dorothy Catalonia Winner did not run. She retreated…strategically. She pressed her hands across her eyes as if to blot the memory of her harsh words away but they kept on reverberating in her skull, severe, unrelenting. 

"It had to be done," She said fiercely, "I had to!" She didn't even realize that she was down the hill until she collided with Quatre and she sobbed once, allowing him to pull her against his chest as he rocked her back and forth.

"It had to be done," Dorothy repeated wretchedly, and curled her arms around Quatre's shoulders, letting loose a torrent of tears that she would show to no other person. "It did. She had to understand…she was grieving too long! She was letting it kill her, Quatre, just like it killed Relena. I could feel it! Oh God, such pain…such self-_pity…_it was tearing her apart…"

"I know," Quatre murmured, "We all agreed to this."  
"But why was it me?" Dorothy wept, "Why did I have to do this to her, my own godchild? I promised Relena I'd _protect_ her, not tear her heart into shreds. Why me?"

"Because no one else could, Dorothy. We…do not know Selena as you do." 

"And because only I can say these things with such blunt cruelty," Dorothy whispered hoarsely, seeing through Quatre's temporization. Another wave of pain coursed through her veins. "Because only I have learned to be so callous in the face of suffering," Her voice was muffled into Quatre's jacket and he stared angrily at nothing, cursing the necessity that had forced Dorothy to such extreme lengths again.

"I was too cruel this time." Her voice was a mere murmur, hardly differentiable from the rustle of the wind.

But Quatre heard and tightening his hold around Dorothy's shoulders as he lifted his face into the breeze, letting invisible fingers take away the bitter taste in his mouth. "Not too cruel, Dorothy…you are never too cruel." He tipped her head up, sincerity and apology shining in his expressive eyes, "You have always been only as cruel as you must be…always cruel enough to be kind." 

***

Selena stared at the small package, slowly caressing the well-worn brown cover with a sense of wonder. The book was old but still in good condition, obviously cherished by its owner. There was a sense of age and wisdom within the yellowed pages of the diary and when she opened it, a light floral scent arose to mingle with the natural musk of leather and wood. Her nose twitched. Lavender. 

Her mother's scent.

As she turned to the first page, a small envelope slipped from between the pages, fluttering to the ground and puzzled, Selena picked it up, eyes widening slightly as she saw it was addressed to her, the Prime Minister's seal stamped carefully into the red wax. Turning the envelope in her hand, she expertly slit the paper with her fingers and withdrew a single sheet of paper which, unlike the rest of the journal, was dated relatively recently. 

Selena's eyes widened slightly ad a shuddering breath slipped about from between her barely parted lips as she recognized the distinctive handwriting. "Mother…" Quickly, she opened the folded paper and began to read.

__

My Dear Selena,

Upon my death, my dear and trusted friend and your Godmother will bestow this letter to you, along with the diary this letter is encased in. It is the greatest treasure I can give you…even greater than the Peacecraft heirlooms, which you will also inherit as well. In this little book is not only a mere history, a piffled chronicle of a period of time in my life; this is also your father's and my story, I think, filled with its own passions, foibles, and whims. Certainly, your father wrote enough in it, having on more than one occasion borrowed it to contact me when I refused to talk to him. Your father was a very determined…some would say pig-headed…man. But I loved him. I still do.

I know that you will mourn for me…don't. I've had a full life, a wonderful life. Selena dear, I have seen the birth of pacifism and that in itself is a great thing. I have had good friends and a wonderful family. I have done all I have sought to do…except perhaps learn how to flambé, but...well, cooking has never been my forte. Most of all, most importantly, I have loved, and I have been loved, incredibly loved, for more than thirty-four years, which is a lot more than other people can say. I was very lucky in life.

So I reiterate, do not mourn too long for me. I am with Heero now, which is quite enough to make me happy as I have missed him greatly. But you, my daughter, are burdened with the duties that I once had. You must be strong for your people; don't let all the deaths of the future generations meaningless; keep the ideology of pacifism alive, Selena, so that those who have come before may rest in peace and those that will come after have a world in which they can walk upon, live upon. It will not be an easy task…it never was for me. 

Stupid, doddering old Councilmen will stand in your way much of the time, pursuing their self-interests. Don't let them.

War hawks will be constantly pounding on the Council gates, advocating war for this or that belief. Stop them.

This is the charge I give you, one that will span the rest of your life and the life of your children and their children. Daughter, I know you are equal to this impossible task because you are my_ daughter and your father's daughter. We have taught you all that we know and while we may have made a few errors in the teaching, that is natural. We have never pretended to be the best of parents but we have instilled in you great morality and great responsibility. We have utter faith that you will excel far beyond what either of us have done so far._

More than that, I can say little else but to be happy in whatever you do. That is my greatest wish for you, your happiness. Always find something to smile about, even amidst the grief.

Selena, never believe that your father and I did not love you. Would that we could have stayed longer on this Earth, but as that is not possible, we are so very proud of your accomplishments. We will always be there to guide your steps; only remember what we have taught you and remember us in your memory. We love you, dear heart. We always have, we always will. 

Sincerely You Loving Mother,

Relena Peacecraft Yuy

Selena stared at the note for a long time, her eyes aching, but she didn't cry. The breeze caressed her face, murmuring across her high cheekbones and smooth skin, almost as gentle as a mother's touch and finally, a small smile lifted the corner of Selena's mouth, bringing back the sparkle of life that had dimmed ever since she had heard of her mother's death. Slowly, she let go of her misgivings, the sorrow still there, but no longer tearing a hole in her heart. Her mother was happy, wherever she was; she had written so and Selena chose to believe her.

And she…she had a mission of her own to complete now, carrying on the work of both her parents. She had found direction in her life again and she would work hard towards that end, towards the ideals of pacifism and unity; that was her birthright as much as the diary was. 

Caressing the leather-bound book she sent up thanks towards the heavens and it might have been a her own wishful thinking, but she fancied she heard a lilting chuckle on the whistling breeze, and perhaps a whispered 'you're welcome' tossed back her way from a loving mother that still looked over her child.

***

Dorothy glanced up suddenly as she saw a bright splotch of a lavender dress amidst the endless sea of green and she narrowed her eyes sharply. What she saw made her relax, the tension flowing out of her muscles, and she sighed wearily, but relieved. "She's fine…she finally accepts it."

Quatre also watched as Selena approached him, radiating serenity and replied, "Not quite yet, I think. But she's getting there."

~Owari~

AN: What do you think? ^^ I know, why haven't I worked on any of my other fics?? Err…serendipity? Workload? *sweatdrop* gomen nasai!! But yes, all my fics are still in progress, though I hope you liked this little oneshot.

Review, onegai!


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